Irrevocably Changed
by Lestatian
Summary: Set post season 3 finale. Elena's journey into becoming a vampire. Will be Delena.


A/N:

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Vampire Diaries.

This is my first attempt at writing fanfiction for many years. Will be rated M in future chapters. I hope you'll give this story a chance! Please review if you do. Thank you.

Irrevocably Changed

Chapter One

It was the most painful breath I'd ever experienced. No, this wasn't right. Breathing isn't meant to feel like razor blades scraping against each other as air contracts your lungs. I focused my eyes and looked around. Stefan was there, standing a little way away, looking at me with pity. I looked down at myself. I appeared to be fine. But why was I in... a mortuary? Lying on a metal stretcher...

"Elena," Stefan said gently, although it seemed too loud suddenly, and the lights were too bright.

Memories began to flash through my mind. Talking to Damon, being in the car with Matt, Rebekah standing in the road, and water, and cold... I should be dead. I told Stefan to save Matt. Why aren't I dead? I look at Stefan, confused, about to ask him what happened, how did I get here, when more memories pour over me, leaving me shuddering, breathing razors once more.

Damon giving me my necklace in my room, telling me he loved me, telling me I had to forget. Wait – Damon compelled me? Why am I remembering? Before I can think too deeply, another memory surfaces. After the bonfire where Matt and I had a fight, I saw Damon lying in the road. He'd creeped me out a little until we talked a little. He told me I needed a love that consumes me, and I remember feeling a real spark between us, I was entranced with my mysterious stranger. But he'd made me forget that too. I felt like I was drowning again, in feelings, torn between outright anger at Damon's messing with my head, and a kind of wrenching pain... no. Why pain? I'd let Damon go. Why would it hurt to have these memories back?

I felt a nudge, a hand resting on my leg. I look up, and see Stefan looking at me, with sorrow in his eyes, and I feel a slow sense of dread. "What's happened?" I ask, my voice rusty, hoarse. It hurts to talk. "How did I get here?"

Before he can reply, Damon runs into the room, his eyes wild, frantic. "Elena", he says. He stops short when he sees me, scanning me all over. He seems satisfied with what he sees, as he breathes a huge sigh of relief. I can literally see a huge weight coming off his shoulders.

"I'm glad you're both okay," I say into the silence. "I was so worried, I thought I'd never see either of you alive again. Looks like it wasn't Klaus who sired your bloodline." And it is a huge relief to see Damon again. And Stefan, of course. I don't know what I would've done if they'd all died after what Alaric did. I look between the two of them, as they seem completely lost for words. I'm brought back to my surroundings. "What the hell am I doing here?"

It's Stefan who speaks, gently, as if to an invalid. "You're in transition, Elena. You died in the water, I couldn't get you out in time." A tear slips from his eye and trickles down his cheek. I stare at it, fascinated, like his words aren't real, because they can't be. I can't be in transition. I haven't drunk any vampire blood.

"I just spoke with Meredith," Damon started. "She gave you vampire blood to make you better after you'd hit your head. She didn't want to alarm Jeremy, so she told him it was only a concussion, when actually your brain was haemorrhaging. You would have probably died if she hadn't, Elena."

I can feel a scream building up inside me, and as long as I don't move, don't react, I know it won't come out. I can't be a vampire, I never wanted to be. They always found a way, I don't want this, I can't do this. Tears begin to fall from my eyes, as I take in their words. Looks like Meredith Fell has a lot to answer for. Well, I can deal with her later.

Stefan takes my face in his hands, trying to get me to meet his eyes. I can't seem to focus. "Elena, do you understand? You're transitioning."

I let out a shaky breath. "Yes Stefan, I got it. But it doesn't matter. This can't be happening. It shouldn't. I should have died in that water. You know I got flashbacks to the accident with my parents while I was under. And I realised Stefan, I should have died back then. You weren't meant to save me. This time, I died like I was supposed to." As I talk, a plan starts to form in my mind, and I grow calmer. I look away, before something occurs to me, meeting Damon's eyes, who is looking at me with real fear. "Is Matt okay?"

Stefan nods at me. "He's okay. He's upstairs, in one of these rooms."

Damon looks between us. "What? I don't understand. Why is Matt okay and Elena _died_?" he says harshly. He brings his hand to my leg and squeezes, then keeps it there.

Stefan swallows, and hangs his head. I suddenly worry that Damon will be angry with my decision. I shouldn't let Stefan take the blame. I cover Damon's hand with my own. "Matt was driving the car. Stefan dove toward us, and I made him rescue Matt, not me."

"What?" Damon asks, and it's an ugly sound. Suddenly, his hand on my leg is painful, the grip is tightening, and his knuckles go white.

"Damon," I say in protest, and he suddenly lets go of me and grabs Stefan by the throat, hauling him up against a wall. Stefan doesn't even protest. The shame on his face says it all.

"You let her die? To save Matt Donovan? Are you fucking insane?" snarls Damon, his vampiric features brought to the surface.

"It was her choice, Damon. She wanted me to save Matt, that was what she wanted," Stefan manages to get out. I went to add my agreement to Stefan's, but I was beginning to be distracted. For a hospital mortuary, this place smelled really good. There was a tantalising smell, like the best meal ever, and I realised how hungry I was. My stomach rumbled in agreement.

"And now she's dead. Why didn't you undo her seatbelt, Stefan? She might have been able to get out if you'd helped her!" Damon shouted.

Stefan gaped at him, dumbfounded, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. "I didn't think..." he trails off. "There wasn't time, they were drowning."

"How could you choose him over her Stefan? After everything we've done to keep her alive, how could you let her die?" Damon cried, his voice breaking. His hand tightened further around Stefan's throat, and I can hear bones beginning to crack. I jump off the metal tray and cross the room, putting my hands on Damon's shoulder, his arm.

"Let go of him Damon. It was my choice, I told him to save Matt," I cried. Damon turned to look at me, fangs out, veins prominent on his cheeks. I was suddenly aware of how good he smelled. He released Stefan and let him drop to the floor without looking at him, never taking his eyes from mine. He turned to face me, before taking me in his arms.

"My god Elena, I thought you were dead, I thought I'd lost you," he said brokenly. "Alaric died while we were fighting, and I thought that you were gone too."

I hugged him back, breathing in his smell, which seemed so intricate. I could smell alcohol, Damon's own smell, but also that smell again, that spicy smell...the one that smelled so good. I leaned into him, the hunger in my stomach growling at me. Damon drew back and looked at me closely.

"We need to get you some blood. You must be hungry" he said, still holding me close. I dropped his gaze and attempted to move away. After a couple of tries, he let me.

"I...I don't know. I need some time to process all this. I don't know if I want to complete the transition," I stuttered, already dreading his reaction. I briefly looked at Stefan, who was still recovering on the floor. He looked at me resignedly, probably suspecting what I'd been thinking. Damon looked incensed again.

"If you think I'm going to let you die you've got another thing coming. There'll be no arguments Elena, you will complete the transition. Stefan may throw away your life, but that's something I'll never do," he hissed, completely determined.

I took a step back, intimidated, suddenly afraid that he was going to force me. "Damon, please. Give me some time."

He moved towards me, making me feel like a rabbit in the path of a fox. "You will turn."

"That's my choice, Damon. All I know is I should be dead right now, and I'm not! I'm still here. I need time to think about what I'm going to do. Being a vampire is something I've never wanted. I'm never going to be normal again, if I choose to do this I'll be giving up children, a family, a normal life."

He walked towards me, until he was stood a foot away. Some of his rage left him with my words, like he was beginning to hear me. "Elena. You've already lost those things. Rebekah did that to you when she made your car crash into the water, and Stefan did that when he chose not to save you. You have another chance, at life. It isn't the one you wanted, but it can still have beauty, and joy in it. You have eternity to see the world, do whatever you want to do. We'll help you through the beginning, teach you control. Don't give up, don't leave us now when we've saved you so many times, please, all those people who died to save you, don't let it all be for nothing."

I inhaled sharply, recognising the truth of his words. My parents. Jenna. John. But still. I was the cause of the trouble in Mystic Falls. Without the doppelgänger attraction, Klaus would never have set foot here, or any of his family. I was the problem. I was the one who was supposed to have died. Actually, I did die, my brain corrected itself. I wasn't sure I'd completely taken that on board yet.

"Elena!" Jeremy shouted as he came into the room, before enveloping me into a massive bear hug. "Alaric visited me as a ghost, I thought you were dead," he cried. He kissed my forehead, squeezing me tight. I suddenly noticed the movement of the vein in his neck, the way it leapt in time with his heartbeat. It was beating quickly, sweat was beading on his skin. He smelled strongly, and I could smell his blood. That was what the smell was. I moved out of his arms quickly once I realised. I didn't want to hurt my own brother.

"I'm in transition," I replied. "Apparently Dr Fell lied to you about what was wrong with me, and gave me vampire blood to heal me."

Jeremy looked shocked. "Well thank god she did," he said. "If she hadn't you would've really died!"

It was my turned to be shocked. Wasn't Jeremy horrified by what I had become? "You don't care that I'm a vampire?" I ask faintly.

"You're not a vampire yet," Damon put in. he turned to Jeremy. "She's not sure she wants to complete the transition." Oh great, I thought. Everyone is now going to gang upon me.

Jeremy spun around and gripped my arm. "Elena, you must. I don't care that you're a vampire, all I care about is that you're here, with me. I told you I wouldn't lose you. I meant it."

I was starting to feel claustrophobic with everyone telling me what to do. My eyes sought out Stefan's, who had just gotten back up. I backed away from all of them. "Please, I just need some time," I cried. "I want to go home. Let's get out of here. Stefan, will you take me?"

I could tell instantly that Damon was not a fan of that idea, and even Stefan looked uncomfortable. Jeremy noticed too. "Is there a problem?" he asked uncertainly.

Stefan put a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, and spoke gently. "It's probably not a good idea if Elena goes home with you Jeremy, she's going to have all sorts of cravings and impulses, and she needs us to take care of her until she gets used to them." Damon made a noise of agreement and nodded.

I felt like they were talking about me like I wasn't there, and a wave of anger flooded through me. I had enough and spun around, walking towards the exit. In an instant, Damon was there before me. Absently I wondered what it would be like to do that, move so fast. For the first time, I felt a tiny stab of temptation. Jeez, I was changing moods so quickly.

"Elena, you're coming with us. Stefan and I will take you to the boarding house, you can stay in the spare room for as long as you need it." His eyes gazed at me, daring me to challenge him. Jeremy came up behind me.

"That's probably for the best. Come on Lena, I'll go with you. Everything's gonna be okay" Together we walked out the mortuary and out through the hospital. I had to hold my breath as I was assaulted by the smell of blood that pervaded the building. The noise began to overwhelm me. I realised I could hear people talking right through the hospital. I didn't realise I was starting to whimper until Damon took my hand and began tugging me faster towards the exit. Once I was outside the sensory stimulation lessened enough for me to take a breath, which still felt ugly and unnatural. It was like my lungs started to feel useless, but every time I stopped breathing I started to panic, like I thought I would suffocate. Next thing I knew, Stefan had come to me and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Calm down, Elena. Small breaths," he said. "You body's confused because you haven't completed the transition. If you do, you won't need to breathe at all. Small breaths. That's it," he finished, as I followed his advice, and managed to stop panicking and slow my breathing.

The rest of the trip back to the boarding house passed in a blur, as I started to feel weaker. When we got there, Stefan carried me into the guest bedroom, and I passed out on the bed before I could say goodnight.

I woke slowly, and wished I hadn't. My whole body was cramping because I felt so hungry. My gums were hurting. I hurt. I thought about what I should do. I could stay up here, and after a while my strength would just give out, and I would die. Or I could go downstairs, and take a drink, and become the one thing I had never wanted to be. Would it be so bad to die? It seemed almost inevitable after all the close calls I'd experienced since Stefan had come into my life. I felt in a way, I'd made my peace with dying, accepted that it could happen any day, and that I would give up my life in a heartbeat to save any one of my friends of family. But now... Klaus was dead. Rebekah and Elijah should have no more interest in me now my blood was useless. I had the chance to maybe start a new life, a life that didn't involve fighting a new threat every day. Where maybe I could have a real future. It would just be very different to what I had imagined it to be.

I began to hear voices. I realised Stefan and Damon were talking downstairs, but it was like they were in the room with me.

"I just don't believe this is happening. She can't die now, she just can't," Damon said. He sounded like he'd been drinking.

Stefan sounded unhappy and sober. "It's her choice, Damon," he spoke quietly.

A glass was thrown against the fireplace and smashed, the alcohol sputtering the flames of the fire. "I am so sick of hearing you say that!" Damon shouted. "It's her choice, it's always her choice. What about the rest of us who always have to deal with the consequences of her decisions? It's only fear of the unknown, a few weeks and she'd be fine, you know that! She's an adapter. But you won't let her see that, you'll just bow down and let her ruin all of our lives. Well it won't happen, even if I have to force her to drink."

A crack sounded, I think Stefan punched Damon. "You won't, Damon, I won't let you. She'd never forgive you! After this was forced on you, you hated me for a century. Why would you even consider doing to her what I did to you?"

I couldn't stand this anymore. I got up slowly and quietly, and inched over to the window. I eased it up in the frame, making sure not to make any noise. I don't think I needed to worry – the boys were still fighting. Klaus was right. It was me who came between them. I climbed through and onto the roof, inching down until I came to the edge. My heart lurched at the drop. I didn't know if my body had changed enough to take a fall. I heard another crash from inside the house and knew I had to get away. Damon wouldn't let me die, and I knew I needed to be able to make my decision on my own, without any pressure. I knew I still had a few hours. I closed my eyes, and dropped.

Ow. Fuck. I let out a little scream as my body slumped to the ground. My body had been hurting before, now it felt like every muscle was on fire. The pressure in my gums intensified, and I whimpered in pain. I tried to move to get up, and managed to kneel. Suddenly a pair of legs were in my eyeline.

"You idiot," Damon said, as he knelt down beside me. Suddenly, I smelled blood, as he brought out a bag, already punctured with a line of the sticky, tempting liquid inching its way down, onto Damon's fingers. I watched, mesmerised, as a drop dropped off Damon's hand, and another began to make it's descent from the hole. My tongue darted out onto my lips, captivated by the smell, my mouth drowning in saliva. My gums ached fiercely, and suddenly I felt fangs descend. It was a relief, and my focus left my body to centre on that bag of goodness and how much I wanted it.

My head had lowered before I knew what I was doing. Suddenly, Stefan's voice came out of the darkness.

"You don't have to do this," he said. It made me pause, my head swimming, knowing that only a few moments ago I had decided to get away and consider it some more. Damon squeezed the bag again, and more blood flowed out, the smell more than I could handle. I lowered my mouth and drank, first licking the blood off Damon's fingers, then taking the bag in my hands so I could squeeze it into my mouth. The blood tasted... incredible. Indescribable. Like the most sweetest nectar, like warmth and power and life. I drained the bag quickly, surprised at how fast I'd gone through it, and dropped it, overtaken by the feelings of my body. I was still hungry, but god I felt better than I had. I felt good. I felt strong. My eyes rose to meet Damon's, and his were filled with triumph. Stefan looked relieved, but also guilty. I didn't want guilt. My eyes went back to Damon's. My grin stretched to match his. I preferred the triumph.


End file.
